Theology of Singleness – Timothy Keller [Talk]

I I have the least appetizing I I have the least appetizing title. The title. The title. The I want to talk to you about a theology I want to talk to you about a theology I want to talk to you about a theology of singleness. You say theology of of singleness. You say theology of of singleness. You say theology of singleness? It's sounds sort of like a I singleness? It's sounds sort of like a I singleness? It's sounds sort of like a I don't know don't know don't know uh I don't know. It sounds like a uh I don't know. It sounds like a uh I don't know. It sounds like a popular mechanics. Uh how do you build a popular mechanics. Uh how do you build a popular mechanics. Uh how do you build a single? Uh but no, I would I'd like to share with but no, I would I'd like to share with you what uh a uh the basic theological you what uh a uh the basic theological you what uh a uh the basic theological principle in the New Testament about principle in the New Testament about principle in the New Testament about singleness. There's a there is a singleness. There's a there is a singleness. There's a there is a Christian theology, a biblical theology Christian theology, a biblical theology Christian theology, a biblical theology of uh being a single adult, which means of uh being a single adult, which means of uh being a single adult, which means to be an adult without a spouse or to be an adult without a spouse or to be an adult without a spouse or children of your own. Uh you're single. children of your own. Uh you're single. children of your own. Uh you're single. uh there's a theology I'd like to talk uh there's a theology I'd like to talk uh there's a theology I'd like to talk to you about first of all that then to you about first of all that then to you about first of all that then secondly the uniqueness of this theology secondly the uniqueness of this theology secondly the uniqueness of this theology uh when you look at all the other uh when you look at all the other uh when you look at all the other religions and cultures of the world religions and cultures of the world religions and cultures of the world number three I'd like to say uh what number three I'd like to say uh what number three I'd like to say uh what does that mean then when Paul says does that mean then when Paul says does that mean then when Paul says singleness is a gift singleness is a gift singleness is a gift and then lastly I'd like to just draw and then lastly I'd like to just draw and then lastly I'd like to just draw out some practical implications so the out some practical implications so the out some practical implications so the theology of singleness the uniqueness of theology of singleness the uniqueness of theology of singleness the uniqueness of theology of singleness what does it mean theology of singleness what does it mean theology of singleness what does it mean to say the uh singleness is a gift and to say the uh singleness is a gift and to say the uh singleness is a gift and then lastly just some uh practical ical then lastly just some uh practical ical then lastly just some uh practical ical implications. So, implications. So, implications. So, uh I I don't think there's a better uh I I don't think there's a better uh I I don't think there's a better place to go for the New Testament place to go for the New Testament place to go for the New Testament theology of singleness than first theology of singleness than first theology of singleness than first Corinthians 7. And when I read you these Corinthians 7. And when I read you these Corinthians 7. And when I read you these two verses, you'll see right away why uh two verses, you'll see right away why uh two verses, you'll see right away why uh uh these are enigmatic verses to the uh these are enigmatic verses to the uh these are enigmatic verses to the average reader. He says, Paul says, "Are

average reader. He says, Paul says, "Are average reader. He says, Paul says, "Are you are you unmarried? you are you unmarried? you are you unmarried? Do not look for a wife. Uh but if you Do not look for a wife. Uh but if you Do not look for a wife. Uh but if you marry, marry, marry, you have not sinned. And if a virgin you have not sinned. And if a virgin you have not sinned. And if a virgin marries, she has not sinned. But those marries, she has not sinned. But those marries, she has not sinned. But those who marry will face many troubles in who marry will face many troubles in who marry will face many troubles in this life. And I want to spare you this. this life. And I want to spare you this. this life. And I want to spare you this. What I mean is that the time is short. What I mean is that the time is short. What I mean is that the time is short. Now, it sure seems uh enigmatic when you Now, it sure seems uh enigmatic when you Now, it sure seems uh enigmatic when you read that. Um, it sure seems like Paul's read that. Um, it sure seems like Paul's read that. Um, it sure seems like Paul's had a bad day had a bad day had a bad day because in Ephesians 5, he has this because in Ephesians 5, he has this because in Ephesians 5, he has this exalted view of marriage where he talks exalted view of marriage where he talks exalted view of marriage where he talks about marriage is a is a a symbol and a about marriage is a is a a symbol and a about marriage is a is a a symbol and a sign of uh the uh the the union of sign of uh the uh the the union of sign of uh the uh the the union of Christ and his people. It's this high Christ and his people. It's this high Christ and his people. It's this high exalted view of marriage. And here he exalted view of marriage. And here he exalted view of marriage. And here he says uh are you unmarried? Don't look says uh are you unmarried? Don't look says uh are you unmarried? Don't look for a wife. I mean that you know he for a wife. I mean that you know he for a wife. I mean that you know he didn't say that's okay. You can live didn't say that's okay. You can live didn't say that's okay. You can live with that. It's a form of suffering that with that. It's a form of suffering that with that. It's a form of suffering that if you you know I'll I'll use it for a if you you know I'll I'll use it for a if you you know I'll I'll use it for a while to make you a better person but while to make you a better person but while to make you a better person but then of course you need to get on with then of course you need to get on with then of course you need to get on with your life. Doesn't say that. He says are your life. Doesn't say that. He says are your life. Doesn't say that. He says are you unmarried don't look for a wife. If you unmarried don't look for a wife. If you unmarried don't look for a wife. If you do marry you haven't sinned you do marry you haven't sinned you do marry you haven't sinned but those who will who marry face many but those who will who marry face many but those who will who marry face many troubles in this life I want to spare troubles in this life I want to spare troubles in this life I want to spare you. What I mean is the time is short.

you. What I mean is the time is short. you. What I mean is the time is short. First of all it looks like he uh he First of all it looks like he uh he First of all it looks like he uh he seems to have fallen off from the seems to have fallen off from the seems to have fallen off from the exalted view of marriage he has in exalted view of marriage he has in exalted view of marriage he has in Ephesians. And then it seems like he's Ephesians. And then it seems like he's Ephesians. And then it seems like he's basing it on the idea that Jesus is basing it on the idea that Jesus is basing it on the idea that Jesus is coming back any time because it says the coming back any time because it says the coming back any time because it says the time is short. And of course, Jesus time is short. And of course, Jesus time is short. And of course, Jesus didn't come back with, you know, right didn't come back with, you know, right didn't come back with, you know, right away. And so maybe that was a mistake. away. And so maybe that was a mistake. away. And so maybe that was a mistake. Now, here's the right answer. When he Now, here's the right answer. When he Now, here's the right answer. When he says the time is short, he doesn't just says the time is short, he doesn't just says the time is short, he doesn't just mean Jesus is coming back any day. mean Jesus is coming back any day. mean Jesus is coming back any day. Because he goes on immediately and says Because he goes on immediately and says Because he goes on immediately and says this, and he and he applies this this, and he and he applies this this, and he and he applies this principle to all of life, including principle to all of life, including principle to all of life, including eventually singleness and marriage. He eventually singleness and marriage. He eventually singleness and marriage. He says, "From now on, those who have wives says, "From now on, those who have wives says, "From now on, those who have wives should live as though they had none. should live as though they had none. should live as though they had none. Those who mourn as if they did not. Those who mourn as if they did not. Those who mourn as if they did not. Those who are happy as if they were not. Those who are happy as if they were not. Those who are happy as if they were not. Those who buy as if it was not theirs to Those who buy as if it was not theirs to Those who buy as if it was not theirs to possess. Those who use the things of the possess. Those who use the things of the possess. Those who use the things of the world as if not engrossed in them. For world as if not engrossed in them. For world as if not engrossed in them. For this world and its present form is this world and its present form is this world and its present form is passing away." passing away." passing away." Now what we have here is actually uh Now what we have here is actually uh Now what we have here is actually uh what a lot of theologians would call uh what a lot of theologians would call uh what a lot of theologians would call uh a a sophisticated a a sophisticated a a sophisticated kingdom theology.

kingdom theology. kingdom theology. Uh what Paul taught and actually what Uh what Paul taught and actually what Uh what Paul taught and actually what Jesus taught and and what the Bible Jesus taught and and what the Bible Jesus taught and and what the Bible teaches is that though many people teaches is that though many people teaches is that though many people thought that when the Messiah showed up thought that when the Messiah showed up thought that when the Messiah showed up that he would bring in the kingdom of that he would bring in the kingdom of that he would bring in the kingdom of God. And in other words, you have the God. And in other words, you have the God. And in other words, you have the old age in which there's suffering and old age in which there's suffering and old age in which there's suffering and there's death and there's brokenness and there's death and there's brokenness and there's death and there's brokenness and there's pain and and then the Messiah there's pain and and then the Messiah there's pain and and then the Messiah comes. It was thought and he would bring comes. It was thought and he would bring comes. It was thought and he would bring in uh the kingdom, the new world. And in uh the kingdom, the new world. And in uh the kingdom, the new world. And the new world there would be uh no the new world there would be uh no the new world there would be uh no sighing, no suffering, no death. sighing, no suffering, no death. sighing, no suffering, no death. Everything would be perfect. Instead, Everything would be perfect. Instead, Everything would be perfect. Instead, what happens is the Messiah doesn't come what happens is the Messiah doesn't come what happens is the Messiah doesn't come back once. back once. back once. It's like the old world, then Messiah, It's like the old world, then Messiah, It's like the old world, then Messiah, and then the new world. He comes back and then the new world. He comes back and then the new world. He comes back twice. The first time in weakness, the twice. The first time in weakness, the twice. The first time in weakness, the second time in power, the first time to second time in power, the first time to second time in power, the first time to begin the kingdom, but then the second begin the kingdom, but then the second begin the kingdom, but then the second time to bring it in fullness. And what time to bring it in fullness. And what time to bring it in fullness. And what that means is right now we live in that means is right now we live in that means is right now we live in what's called the overlap of the ages. what's called the overlap of the ages. what's called the overlap of the ages. The old world is still going on. The new The old world is still going on. The new The old world is still going on. The new world has actually begun. The spirit of world has actually begun. The spirit of world has actually begun. The spirit of God is in the world to renew people's God is in the world to renew people's God is in the world to renew people's lives in many ways. But the fact is it's lives in many ways. But the fact is it's lives in many ways. But the fact is it's still a place in which we still have the still a place in which we still have the still a place in which we still have the suffering and the brokenness and all suffering and the brokenness and all suffering and the brokenness and all that. And so we live between the times that. And so we live between the times that. And so we live between the times between the first and the second coming between the first and the second coming between the first and the second coming of the Messiah.

of the Messiah. of the Messiah. And what Christians are supposed to do And what Christians are supposed to do And what Christians are supposed to do in that time, Paul actually lays out in in that time, Paul actually lays out in in that time, Paul actually lays out in the most practical terms. What this the most practical terms. What this the most practical terms. What this means is we do marry, we do buy and means is we do marry, we do buy and means is we do marry, we do buy and sell, we do have jobs, we do grieve and sell, we do have jobs, we do grieve and sell, we do have jobs, we do grieve and mourn, we do rejoice, mourn, we do rejoice, mourn, we do rejoice, but we always do it right now in light but we always do it right now in light but we always do it right now in light of the future. And see, in light of the of the future. And see, in light of the of the future. And see, in light of the future, God is going to give you the future, God is going to give you the future, God is going to give you the ultimate wealth. So right now, whether ultimate wealth. So right now, whether ultimate wealth. So right now, whether you have money or not isn't the biggest you have money or not isn't the biggest you have money or not isn't the biggest deal. deal. deal. If you have it, great. If you have it, great. If you have it, great. But don't get too attached to it. If you But don't get too attached to it. If you But don't get too attached to it. If you don't have it, don't be too upset. It's don't have it, don't be too upset. It's don't have it, don't be too upset. It's not real wealth. You see what he's not real wealth. You see what he's not real wealth. You see what he's doing? What he's actually when he see it doing? What he's actually when he see it doing? What he's actually when he see it sounds strange at first. He says, "Those sounds strange at first. He says, "Those sounds strange at first. He says, "Those who mourn as if they didn't mourn." who mourn as if they didn't mourn." who mourn as if they didn't mourn." Okay, you can weep, but at the same Okay, you can weep, but at the same Okay, you can weep, but at the same time, don't overdo it because everything time, don't overdo it because everything time, don't overdo it because everything is going to be made right. And you can is going to be made right. And you can is going to be made right. And you can rejoice, but at the same time, don't rejoice, but at the same time, don't rejoice, but at the same time, don't overdo it because this isn't real joy. overdo it because this isn't real joy. overdo it because this isn't real joy. This is nothing like what you're going This is nothing like what you're going This is nothing like what you're going to get. This will never satisfy your to get. This will never satisfy your to get. This will never satisfy your heart. And then he applies it to heart. And then he applies it to heart. And then he applies it to marriage and singleness.

marriage and singleness. marriage and singleness. And that's the reason he's saying And that's the reason he's saying And that's the reason he's saying basically this. The ultimate family is basically this. The ultimate family is basically this. The ultimate family is in the future. The ultimate wedding is in the future. The ultimate wedding is in the future. The ultimate wedding is in the future. The wedding supper of the in the future. The wedding supper of the in the future. The wedding supper of the lamb. lamb. lamb. All of the deepest desires you have for All of the deepest desires you have for All of the deepest desires you have for love, for closure, for acceptance, for love, for closure, for acceptance, for love, for closure, for acceptance, for unity, for security, unity, for security, unity, for security, all of that will be satisfied on that all of that will be satisfied on that all of that will be satisfied on that day. And no earthly family and no day. And no earthly family and no day. And no earthly family and no earthly marriage can can do anything earthly marriage can can do anything earthly marriage can can do anything more than be penultimate. It can be a more than be penultimate. It can be a more than be penultimate. It can be a foretaste. Could be a sign. It can be foretaste. Could be a sign. It can be foretaste. Could be a sign. It can be great. But if you don't have a family, great. But if you don't have a family, great. But if you don't have a family, don't get too upset. And if you do have don't get too upset. And if you do have don't get too upset. And if you do have a family, don't be too elated and don't a family, don't be too elated and don't a family, don't be too elated and don't put too much of your hopes in it. And put too much of your hopes in it. And put too much of your hopes in it. And once you see that, once you see that, once you see that, in other words, once you see the idea in other words, once you see the idea in other words, once you see the idea that everything you do here, including that everything you do here, including that everything you do here, including being single and being married has to be being single and being married has to be being single and being married has to be constantly done in light of the future constantly done in light of the future constantly done in light of the future and not act not acting as if this life and not act not acting as if this life and not act not acting as if this life is all there is and in in everything has is all there is and in in everything has is all there is and in in everything has to be done in in terms of the future and to be done in in terms of the future and to be done in in terms of the future and to be looked uh lived in light of the to be looked uh lived in light of the to be looked uh lived in light of the future.

future. future. It changes everything. But it also means It changes everything. But it also means It changes everything. But it also means it equalizes singleness and and married it equalizes singleness and and married it equalizes singleness and and married life. That's why Paul I mean there's no life. That's why Paul I mean there's no life. That's why Paul I mean there's no two ways around it. When he says, "Are two ways around it. When he says, "Are two ways around it. When he says, "Are you unmarried?" He doesn't say, "Well, you unmarried?" He doesn't say, "Well, you unmarried?" He doesn't say, "Well, that's all right, but married state is that's all right, but married state is that's all right, but married state is the real way in which you live out the the real way in which you live out the the real way in which you live out the Christian life." He says, "No." He says, Christian life." He says, "No." He says, Christian life." He says, "No." He says, "Also, do I want you to say, "Oh, you're "Also, do I want you to say, "Oh, you're "Also, do I want you to say, "Oh, you're married. Don't do that. If you marry, married. Don't do that. If you marry, married. Don't do that. If you marry, you're not sinning. If you're not you're not sinning. If you're not you're not sinning. If you're not marrying, you're not in trouble. You're marrying, you're not in trouble. You're marrying, you're not in trouble. You're not a freak." It's astounding, actually. not a freak." It's astounding, actually. not a freak." It's astounding, actually. It really is a pretty astounding. And It really is a pretty astounding. And It really is a pretty astounding. And so, there's your theology of singleness. so, there's your theology of singleness. so, there's your theology of singleness. It's a sophisticated theology of the It's a sophisticated theology of the It's a sophisticated theology of the kingdom of God applied to singleness and kingdom of God applied to singleness and kingdom of God applied to singleness and marriage. Uh now let's talk about how marriage. Uh now let's talk about how marriage. Uh now let's talk about how unique it is. And I mean it's unique and unique it is. And I mean it's unique and unique it is. And I mean it's unique and I'll and you'll see it immediately. I'll and you'll see it immediately. I'll and you'll see it immediately. There are basically two approaches I There are basically two approaches I There are basically two approaches I think culturally to this whole subject. think culturally to this whole subject. think culturally to this whole subject. In the west we make an idol out of your In the west we make an idol out of your In the west we make an idol out of your individual rights and your individual individual rights and your individual individual rights and your individual happiness. happiness. happiness. And in traditional cultures to some And in traditional cultures to some And in traditional cultures to some degree in the east, but basically not degree in the east, but basically not degree in the east, but basically not just in the east, Latin America and just in the east, Latin America and just in the east, Latin America and Africa too. In non-western traditional Africa too. In non-western traditional Africa too. In non-western traditional cultures, it makes they those cultures cultures, it makes they those cultures cultures, it makes they those cultures make an idol out of the family. You're make an idol out of the family. You're make an idol out of the family. You're nobody until you're in a family.

nobody until you're in a family. nobody until you're in a family. And in the west, so let's go back and And in the west, so let's go back and And in the west, so let's go back and forth here. In the West, yeah, marriage forth here. In the West, yeah, marriage forth here. In the West, yeah, marriage is fine as long as it meets your is fine as long as it meets your is fine as long as it meets your individual needs. Don't cut yourself off individual needs. Don't cut yourself off individual needs. Don't cut yourself off from too many options. Never get married from too many options. Never get married from too many options. Never get married before you've got your career going. before you've got your career going. before you've got your career going. Why? Because absolutely ultimately Why? Because absolutely ultimately Why? Because absolutely ultimately marriage has to fulfill you. It has to marriage has to fulfill you. It has to marriage has to fulfill you. It has to be an asset in your portfolio. But what be an asset in your portfolio. But what be an asset in your portfolio. But what really matters is you. Self-realization really matters is you. Self-realization really matters is you. Self-realization is paramount. And marriage is just a is paramount. And marriage is just a is paramount. And marriage is just a means to an end. means to an end. means to an end. And so you better not marry anybody And so you better not marry anybody And so you better not marry anybody who's going to be too high maintenance. who's going to be too high maintenance. who's going to be too high maintenance. Of course, you got to get somebody who's Of course, you got to get somebody who's Of course, you got to get somebody who's bringing assets in if you're going to do bringing assets in if you're going to do bringing assets in if you're going to do that. You know, you know, emotional and that. You know, you know, emotional and that. You know, you know, emotional and spiritual and sexual and maybe spiritual and sexual and maybe spiritual and sexual and maybe financial. And you, you know, it's got financial. And you, you know, it's got financial. And you, you know, it's got to be something that enhances you and to be something that enhances you and to be something that enhances you and gets you where you want to go in life. gets you where you want to go in life. gets you where you want to go in life. That's the western idea. That's the western idea. That's the western idea. The traditional idea of course is you're The traditional idea of course is you're The traditional idea of course is you're nothing until you're married. You are a nothing until you're married. You are a nothing until you're married. You are a freak until you're married. There's a freak until you're married. There's a freak until you're married. There's a reason why by the way it's not when I reason why by the way it's not when I reason why by the way it's not when I say west and east you know that we're uh say west and east you know that we're uh say west and east you know that we're uh obviously in non-western parts of the obviously in non-western parts of the obviously in non-western parts of the world in the big cities world in the big cities world in the big cities uh in Asia, Latin America and Africa uh in Asia, Latin America and Africa uh in Asia, Latin America and Africa very often the big cities are more very often the big cities are more very often the big cities are more western and we also know if you go away western and we also know if you go away western and we also know if you go away from the big cities and say in North from the big cities and say in North from the big cities and say in North America it's more traditional and it's America it's more traditional and it's America it's more traditional and it's one of the reasons why a lot of you are one of the reasons why a lot of you are one of the reasons why a lot of you are living in New York because you can't go living in New York because you can't go living in New York because you can't go home as a 30-year-old single without home as a 30-year-old single without home as a 30-year-old single without without almost everybody saying without almost everybody saying without almost everybody saying non-verbbally saying with their looks,

you poor thing. you poor thing. You poor thing. So in traditional You poor thing. So in traditional You poor thing. So in traditional societies, you really uh don't have a societies, you really uh don't have a societies, you really uh don't have a legacy. You have your life hasn't really legacy. You have your life hasn't really legacy. You have your life hasn't really gotten started till you get married. And gotten started till you get married. And gotten started till you get married. And in western um the western idea is that in western um the western idea is that in western um the western idea is that marriage is a basically a disposable marriage is a basically a disposable marriage is a basically a disposable asset. Something that you take up if you asset. Something that you take up if you asset. Something that you take up if you want if it really helps you. Now want if it really helps you. Now want if it really helps you. Now Christianity and its approach to Christianity and its approach to Christianity and its approach to singleness and to marriage is absolutely singleness and to marriage is absolutely singleness and to marriage is absolutely astonishingly different. astonishingly different. astonishingly different. It's astonishingly different. It puts us It's astonishingly different. It puts us It's astonishingly different. It puts us completely at variance with our cultures completely at variance with our cultures completely at variance with our cultures no matter where we're from. and some of no matter where we're from. and some of no matter where we're from. and some of your cases since you're bicultural your cases since you're bicultural your cases since you're bicultural people it puts you at variance with both people it puts you at variance with both people it puts you at variance with both the cultures you're living in and the the cultures you're living in and the the cultures you're living in and the culture you grew up in. Uh so for culture you grew up in. Uh so for culture you grew up in. Uh so for example on the one hand what this means example on the one hand what this means example on the one hand what this means is uh the uh this exalted view of is uh the uh this exalted view of is uh the uh this exalted view of marriage marriage marriage uh as a place in which I give myself and uh as a place in which I give myself and uh as a place in which I give myself and I don't I'm not I'm supposed to be I don't I'm not I'm supposed to be I don't I'm not I'm supposed to be giving myself to my marriage partner to giving myself to my marriage partner to giving myself to my marriage partner to help my marriage partner grow into help my marriage partner grow into help my marriage partner grow into everything that Christ wants him or her everything that Christ wants him or her everything that Christ wants him or her to be. And it's supposed to be a thing to be. And it's supposed to be a thing to be. And it's supposed to be a thing of service. It's not supposed to just be of service. It's not supposed to just be of service. It's not supposed to just be a way of self- fulfillment. Uh and uh on a way of self- fulfillment. Uh and uh on a way of self- fulfillment. Uh and uh on the other hand, on the other hand, the the other hand, on the other hand, the the other hand, on the other hand, the fact is that marriage can never give you fact is that marriage can never give you fact is that marriage can never give you all the things that you really are all the things that you really are all the things that you really are looking for. It's only in Jesus's arms looking for. It's only in Jesus's arms looking for. It's only in Jesus's arms that you'll ever find what you're really that you'll ever find what you're really that you'll ever find what you're really looking for in a spouse. It's only in looking for in a spouse. It's only in looking for in a spouse. It's only in the family of God. And the church, now the family of God. And the church, now the family of God. And the church, now here's what's weird about the church.

here's what's weird about the church. here's what's weird about the church. The church is actually living the The church is actually living the The church is actually living the overlap of the ages. Ultimately, we're overlap of the ages. Ultimately, we're overlap of the ages. Ultimately, we're not just going to be in the presence of not just going to be in the presence of not just going to be in the presence of God. God. God. We're going to be in our family. We're going to be in our family. We're going to be in our family. Brothers and sisters, fathers and Brothers and sisters, fathers and Brothers and sisters, fathers and mothers, sons and daughters. Uh those mothers, sons and daughters. Uh those mothers, sons and daughters. Uh those who are in Christ are a part of a who are in Christ are a part of a who are in Christ are a part of a family. Now, right now, we get a family. Now, right now, we get a family. Now, right now, we get a foretaste of it a bit. We'll get to this foretaste of it a bit. We'll get to this foretaste of it a bit. We'll get to this in a second, but we're going to be not in a second, but we're going to be not in a second, but we're going to be not only seeing Jesus, we're going to be only seeing Jesus, we're going to be only seeing Jesus, we're going to be together. And that wedding supper of the together. And that wedding supper of the together. And that wedding supper of the lamb has a lot of people. There's a lot lamb has a lot of people. There's a lot lamb has a lot of people. There's a lot of guests at the wedding. Blessed are of guests at the wedding. Blessed are of guests at the wedding. Blessed are those who are guests at the wedding those who are guests at the wedding those who are guests at the wedding supper of the lamb. And because of this supper of the lamb. And because of this supper of the lamb. And because of this uh Christian the Christian view of uh Christian the Christian view of uh Christian the Christian view of singleness has always been that this is singleness has always been that this is singleness has always been that this is a viable paradigm a viable paradigm a viable paradigm for adult life. And uh Stanley Harwas for adult life. And uh Stanley Harwas for adult life. And uh Stanley Harwas some of you know if you've ever heard me some of you know if you've ever heard me some of you know if you've ever heard me teach on this or if you read Kathy and teach on this or if you read Kathy and teach on this or if you read Kathy and my book on marriage Stanley Harwas at my book on marriage Stanley Harwas at my book on marriage Stanley Harwas at Duke University has a couple of classic Duke University has a couple of classic Duke University has a couple of classic um uh essays on this subject that you um uh essays on this subject that you um uh essays on this subject that you can find in the book which you can buy can find in the book which you can buy can find in the book which you can buy easily now called community of easily now called community of easily now called community of character. And in it he says this. He character. And in it he says this. He character. And in it he says this. He says um Christianity was the very first says um Christianity was the very first says um Christianity was the very first religion or worldview that held up religion or worldview that held up religion or worldview that held up single adulthood as a viable way of single adulthood as a viable way of single adulthood as a viable way of life.

One clear difference between One clear difference between Christianity and Judaism and all other Christianity and Judaism and all other Christianity and Judaism and all other religions is the former that's religions is the former that's religions is the former that's Christians entertainment of the idea Christians entertainment of the idea Christians entertainment of the idea that singleness is a paradigm way of that singleness is a paradigm way of that singleness is a paradigm way of life for its followers. life for its followers. life for its followers. He points out in the in the essay, for He points out in the in the essay, for He points out in the in the essay, for example, that Tiberius at one point, you example, that Tiberius at one point, you example, that Tiberius at one point, you know, Tiberius Caesar at one point uh know, Tiberius Caesar at one point uh know, Tiberius Caesar at one point uh made it a law that any woman who became made it a law that any woman who became made it a law that any woman who became a widow who was under a certain age had a widow who was under a certain age had a widow who was under a certain age had to get married again in two years. to get married again in two years. to get married again in two years. How'd you like that? Because the idea How'd you like that? Because the idea How'd you like that? Because the idea was that if you were a single person, was that if you were a single person, was that if you were a single person, you were a drag on society and you were you were a drag on society and you were you were a drag on society and you were an embarrassment to yourself. an embarrassment to yourself. an embarrassment to yourself. There was no honor without family honor. There was no honor without family honor. There was no honor without family honor. You didn't have really individual honor. You didn't have really individual honor. You didn't have really individual honor. there was no um legacy unless you had there was no um legacy unless you had there was no um legacy unless you had heirs, unless you had people who were heirs, unless you had people who were heirs, unless you had people who were descended from you. Uh and uh it it just descended from you. Uh and uh it it just descended from you. Uh and uh it it just was not considered a viable way of life. was not considered a viable way of life. was not considered a viable way of life. And yet when you read the New Testament, And yet when you read the New Testament, And yet when you read the New Testament, you will see that widows were not for uh you will see that widows were not for uh you will see that widows were not for uh uh forced in any way to marry. And uh forced in any way to marry. And uh forced in any way to marry. And that's what's so radical about the that's what's so radical about the that's what's so radical about the places where it says the poor widows, places where it says the poor widows, places where it says the poor widows, poor Christian widows were supported by poor Christian widows were supported by poor Christian widows were supported by the whole church financially in every the whole church financially in every the whole church financially in every way.

way. way. Why? Because there the implication is Why? Because there the implication is Why? Because there the implication is it's okay to be single. It doesn't say it's okay to be single. It doesn't say it's okay to be single. It doesn't say poor old widows by the way. Poor widows, poor old widows by the way. Poor widows, poor old widows by the way. Poor widows, women who were widowed and who therefore women who were widowed and who therefore women who were widowed and who therefore did not have a good means of support. did not have a good means of support. did not have a good means of support. They were supported by the church. And They were supported by the church. And They were supported by the church. And what did that mean? It meant that it's what did that mean? It meant that it's what did that mean? It meant that it's okay to be single. And Howard was goes okay to be single. And Howard was goes okay to be single. And Howard was goes on and says it's uh that plus the fact on and says it's uh that plus the fact on and says it's uh that plus the fact that Paul and plus the fact that Jesus, that Paul and plus the fact that Jesus, that Paul and plus the fact that Jesus, Jesus himself, the perfect human being, Jesus himself, the perfect human being, Jesus himself, the perfect human being, let me point that out. The perfect human let me point that out. The perfect human let me point that out. The perfect human being, the ultimate expression of being, the ultimate expression of being, the ultimate expression of perfect humanity, perfect humanity, perfect humanity, didn't feel the need to get married in didn't feel the need to get married in didn't feel the need to get married in order to exhibit perfect humanity. order to exhibit perfect humanity. order to exhibit perfect humanity. Which means, by the way, he also, the Which means, by the way, he also, the Which means, by the way, he also, the earthly Jesus, also lived in wondrous earthly Jesus, also lived in wondrous earthly Jesus, also lived in wondrous hope and joy at the prospect of that hope and joy at the prospect of that hope and joy at the prospect of that future wedding supper of the lamb. It future wedding supper of the lamb. It future wedding supper of the lamb. It was enough for him, too. Now, here's was enough for him, too. Now, here's was enough for him, too. Now, here's what this means. what this means. what this means. Paul says some stuff in Corinthians, 1 Paul says some stuff in Corinthians, 1 Paul says some stuff in Corinthians, 1 Corinthians 7, which is pretty Corinthians 7, which is pretty Corinthians 7, which is pretty um pretty even-handed about singleness um pretty even-handed about singleness um pretty even-handed about singleness in marriage. Uh, one of the things he in marriage. Uh, one of the things he in marriage. Uh, one of the things he says which is I think a little easy to says which is I think a little easy to says which is I think a little easy to misunderstand but actually in light of misunderstand but actually in light of misunderstand but actually in light of what Wesley has already taught uh what Wesley has already taught uh what Wesley has already taught uh earlier is it's he actually is setting earlier is it's he actually is setting earlier is it's he actually is setting me up to say what I want to say right me up to say what I want to say right me up to say what I want to say right now. Paul says one of the things he's now. Paul says one of the things he's now. Paul says one of the things he's one of the reasons why he's saying look one of the reasons why he's saying look one of the reasons why he's saying look if you want to get married that's fine if you want to get married that's fine if you want to get married that's fine but it's great to be unmarried. In fact, but it's great to be unmarried. In fact, but it's great to be unmarried. In fact, there's a lot of problems with being there's a lot of problems with being there's a lot of problems with being married. I would like to spare you from

married. I would like to spare you from married. I would like to spare you from and uh you say what and then he says and uh you say what and then he says and uh you say what and then he says well a man who is married wants to well a man who is married wants to well a man who is married wants to please his wife. A man who is single please his wife. A man who is single please his wife. A man who is single wants to please the Lord. wants to please the Lord. wants to please the Lord. Now, I want you to know that is a Now, I want you to know that is a Now, I want you to know that is a trenchant trenchant trenchant observation. observation. observation. And here's what I think it's got to And here's what I think it's got to And here's what I think it's got to mean. mean. mean. Uh it is possible to turn a friend into Uh it is possible to turn a friend into Uh it is possible to turn a friend into an idol. It's possible to look at a an idol. It's possible to look at a an idol. It's possible to look at a friend or two and and basically put them friend or two and and basically put them friend or two and and basically put them in the place of Jesus. Make their in the place of Jesus. Make their in the place of Jesus. Make their friendship the thing you're living for. friendship the thing you're living for. friendship the thing you're living for. Make their regard the thing that gives Make their regard the thing that gives Make their regard the thing that gives you your self-image. In other words, you your self-image. In other words, you your self-image. In other words, really turn a friend into a pseudo really turn a friend into a pseudo really turn a friend into a pseudo savior. But I want you to know it's a savior. But I want you to know it's a savior. But I want you to know it's a lot harder to do that with a friend than lot harder to do that with a friend than lot harder to do that with a friend than it is with a spouse. I guess I would say it is with a spouse. I guess I would say it is with a spouse. I guess I would say that friendship in general, we're all that friendship in general, we're all that friendship in general, we're all sinners, so you can we can twist sinners, so you can we can twist sinners, so you can we can twist anything. But in general, friendship is anything. But in general, friendship is anything. But in general, friendship is uh more, how do I say it? It's more uh more, how do I say it? It's more uh more, how do I say it? It's more avoidably avoidably avoidably it's it's more unavoidably unselfish. it's it's more unavoidably unselfish. it's it's more unavoidably unselfish. Friendship more naturally becomes Friendship more naturally becomes Friendship more naturally becomes unselfish. But let me tell you, when you unselfish. But let me tell you, when you unselfish. But let me tell you, when you get into marriage, you want to be get into marriage, you want to be get into marriage, you want to be fulfilled.

fulfilled. fulfilled. And if you are not being fulfilled, And if you are not being fulfilled, And if you are not being fulfilled, you just blow up. Marriage is really about me. Marriage is Marriage is really about me. Marriage is about you. Marriage is about me. uh I about you. Marriage is about me. uh I about you. Marriage is about me. uh I mean it's supposed to what I liked about mean it's supposed to what I liked about mean it's supposed to what I liked about Wes's uh talk was he was bringing out Wes's uh talk was he was bringing out Wes's uh talk was he was bringing out the fact now there's no there's actually the fact now there's no there's actually the fact now there's no there's actually no relationship that's perfectly like no relationship that's perfectly like no relationship that's perfectly like that but relationships have both service that but relationships have both service that but relationships have both service and possession as part of them. So on and possession as part of them. So on and possession as part of them. So on the one hand, the one hand, the one hand, a friend or a spouse belongs to you. And a friend or a spouse belongs to you. And a friend or a spouse belongs to you. And what that means is you're my possession. what that means is you're my possession. what that means is you're my possession. You're my wealth. It's something you're You're my wealth. It's something you're You're my wealth. It's something you're something that fulfills me. Uh uh you something that fulfills me. Uh uh you something that fulfills me. Uh uh you are a form of my wealth. I enjoy you. Uh are a form of my wealth. I enjoy you. Uh are a form of my wealth. I enjoy you. Uh you help me. You build me up. But also I you help me. You build me up. But also I you help me. You build me up. But also I serve you. I'm here to serve you. To serve you. I'm here to serve you. To serve you. I'm here to serve you. To help you along, to help you become what help you along, to help you become what help you along, to help you become what Christ wants you to be, to not think of Christ wants you to be, to not think of Christ wants you to be, to not think of my own interest. Now I'd say the fact of my own interest. Now I'd say the fact of my own interest. Now I'd say the fact of the matter is that it is a lot easier in the matter is that it is a lot easier in the matter is that it is a lot easier in friendship in general friendship in general friendship in general to remember that relationship is about to remember that relationship is about to remember that relationship is about service and it's a lot easier in service and it's a lot easier in service and it's a lot easier in marriage and this is what Paul is saying marriage and this is what Paul is saying marriage and this is what Paul is saying not for marriage to become possessive not for marriage to become possessive not for marriage to become possessive absorbing absorbing absorbing idolatrous either way you know if you idolatrous either way you know if you idolatrous either way you know if you have a good marriage a lot of people have a good marriage a lot of people have a good marriage a lot of people know this if you have a good marriage know this if you have a good marriage know this if you have a good marriage it's absolutely absolutely almost it's absolutely absolutely almost it's absolutely absolutely almost impossible not to have that spouse impossible not to have that spouse impossible not to have that spouse replace Jesus in your life in all sorts replace Jesus in your life in all sorts replace Jesus in your life in all sorts of ways. John Newton uh the great letter of ways. John Newton uh the great letter of ways. John Newton uh the great letter writer himwriter John Newton has some

writer himwriter John Newton has some writer himwriter John Newton has some great stuff in his letters about the great stuff in his letters about the great stuff in his letters about the fact that he had a good marriage and as fact that he had a good marriage and as fact that he had a good marriage and as a result he says I just do not lean on a result he says I just do not lean on a result he says I just do not lean on Jesus the way I would otherwise. I just Jesus the way I would otherwise. I just Jesus the way I would otherwise. I just do not really go to Jesus to get my uh do not really go to Jesus to get my uh do not really go to Jesus to get my uh to really get my love to really get my to really get my love to really get my to really get my love to really get my um uh my satisfaction. I don't do that. um uh my satisfaction. I don't do that. um uh my satisfaction. I don't do that. I don't need to. I got this adoring I don't need to. I got this adoring I don't need to. I got this adoring woman who's doing all this and he says, woman who's doing all this and he says, woman who's doing all this and he says, "Uh, if your marriage is good, you have "Uh, if your marriage is good, you have "Uh, if your marriage is good, you have a problem with idolatry. If your a problem with idolatry. If your a problem with idolatry. If your marriage is bad, marriage is bad." I marriage is bad, marriage is bad." I marriage is bad, marriage is bad." I think it's just as easy, if not easier, think it's just as easy, if not easier, think it's just as easy, if not easier, to say, "If my marriage was good, to say, "If my marriage was good, to say, "If my marriage was good, everything would be better in my life. everything would be better in my life. everything would be better in my life. It would all be fixed." And it wouldn't It would all be fixed." And it wouldn't It would all be fixed." And it wouldn't be. No, it wouldn't be. That's Paul's be. No, it wouldn't be. That's Paul's be. No, it wouldn't be. That's Paul's whole point. The only thing that's going whole point. The only thing that's going whole point. The only thing that's going to fix you is the future, that to fix you is the future, that to fix you is the future, that incredible incredible incredible wedding supper that's coming. wedding supper that's coming. wedding supper that's coming. So, here's what you have. So, here's what you have. So, here's what you have. If you are a single person, you've got a If you are a single person, you've got a If you are a single person, you've got a really great prospect in front of you. really great prospect in front of you. really great prospect in front of you. If you're a single adult and you're a If you're a single adult and you're a If you're a single adult and you're a Christian, Christian, Christian, uh on the one hand, what it means is you uh on the one hand, what it means is you uh on the one hand, what it means is you can avoid the idolatry that very often can avoid the idolatry that very often can avoid the idolatry that very often happen and the selfishness and the happen and the selfishness and the happen and the selfishness and the absorption that very often happens. Uh absorption that very often happens. Uh absorption that very often happens. Uh by the way, I'm now into the point is by the way, I'm now into the point is by the way, I'm now into the point is how could singleness be a gift?

how could singleness be a gift? how could singleness be a gift? Paul calls singleness a gift and a whole Paul calls singleness a gift and a whole Paul calls singleness a gift and a whole lot of people do not understand that. lot of people do not understand that. lot of people do not understand that. They think of it as a spiritual gift. They think of it as a spiritual gift. They think of it as a spiritual gift. Does that mean I don't need to be Does that mean I don't need to be Does that mean I don't need to be married? I don't want to be married. married? I don't want to be married. married? I don't want to be married. Uh-uh. Here's what it is. Here's why Uh-uh. Here's what it is. Here's why Uh-uh. Here's what it is. Here's why it's a gift. It's possible in singleness it's a gift. It's possible in singleness it's a gift. It's possible in singleness for you to have a lot more friends. for you to have a lot more friends. for you to have a lot more friends. There's no doubt those of us who are There's no doubt those of us who are There's no doubt those of us who are married and are raising children, we married and are raising children, we married and are raising children, we cannot maintain the same number of cannot maintain the same number of cannot maintain the same number of friends. Nor can they have as much as friends. Nor can they have as much as friends. Nor can they have as much as there can be as much depth. Just not there can be as much depth. Just not there can be as much depth. Just not possible. Secondly, friendship is an possible. Secondly, friendship is an possible. Secondly, friendship is an extraordinarily sanctifying experience. extraordinarily sanctifying experience. extraordinarily sanctifying experience. Marriage can be what I just told you. Marriage can be what I just told you. Marriage can be what I just told you. It's filled with potholes. That's what It's filled with potholes. That's what It's filled with potholes. That's what Paul's talking about. It's Paul's talking about. It's Paul's talking about. It's extraordinarily easy just to be sucked extraordinarily easy just to be sucked extraordinarily easy just to be sucked into the problems of marriage, idolatry into the problems of marriage, idolatry into the problems of marriage, idolatry in marriage, whether it's good or bad. in marriage, whether it's good or bad. in marriage, whether it's good or bad. And in many ways, friendship is one of And in many ways, friendship is one of And in many ways, friendship is one of the best ways to get out of yourself, to the best ways to get out of yourself, to the best ways to get out of yourself, to learn what you're supposed to learn learn what you're supposed to learn learn what you're supposed to learn through serving other people, to through serving other people, to through serving other people, to actually experience love the way it's actually experience love the way it's actually experience love the way it's supposed to be loved, supposed to supposed to be loved, supposed to supposed to be loved, supposed to supposed to happen. And he says, man, as supposed to happen. And he says, man, as supposed to happen. And he says, man, as a single adult, you can have more a single adult, you can have more a single adult, you can have more friendships. You can find yourself friendships. You can find yourself friendships. You can find yourself growing through those friendships. Of growing through those friendships. Of growing through those friendships. Of course, you can serve more. Um, you course, you can serve more. Um, you course, you can serve more. Um, you know, Jesus and Paul and John Sto were know, Jesus and Paul and John Sto were know, Jesus and Paul and John Sto were all single and they got a lot of all single and they got a lot of all single and they got a lot of ministry done, a whole lot of ministry ministry done, a whole lot of ministry ministry done, a whole lot of ministry done. And when a lot of people say to done. And when a lot of people say to done. And when a lot of people say to me, why, you know, your books are really me, why, you know, your books are really me, why, you know, your books are really good. Why did you wait till you were in good. Why did you wait till you were in good. Why did you wait till you were in your mid-50s to start writing books? I your mid-50s to start writing books? I your mid-50s to start writing books? I said, family.

said, family. said, family. I I had to go I my family had to get I I had to go I my family had to get I I had to go I my family had to get grown up and really be okay and and off. grown up and really be okay and and off. grown up and really be okay and and off. And so uh in all these way I think And so uh in all these way I think And so uh in all these way I think that's what it means when Paul says do that's what it means when Paul says do that's what it means when Paul says do you realize what a gift singleness can you realize what a gift singleness can you realize what a gift singleness can be. It's that you shouldn't think of it be. It's that you shouldn't think of it be. It's that you shouldn't think of it as the ability to you know not hurt or as the ability to you know not hurt or as the ability to you know not hurt or care or get get sad about sometimes care or get get sad about sometimes care or get get sad about sometimes being lonely. That's not what it's being lonely. That's not what it's being lonely. That's not what it's talking I don't have that gift because I talking I don't have that gift because I talking I don't have that gift because I get lonely. That's not what it's talking get lonely. That's not what it's talking get lonely. That's not what it's talking about. Do you see what a gift it can be? about. Do you see what a gift it can be? about. Do you see what a gift it can be? But think about this. If on the one hand But think about this. If on the one hand But think about this. If on the one hand and some single Christians pull this and some single Christians pull this and some single Christians pull this off. off. off. If on the one hand you spend all your If on the one hand you spend all your If on the one hand you spend all your time as a single person beating yourself time as a single person beating yourself time as a single person beating yourself up, hating yourself, feeling like a up, hating yourself, feeling like a up, hating yourself, feeling like a failure because you're not married, failure because you're not married, failure because you're not married, you're giving in to the idolatry of you're giving in to the idolatry of you're giving in to the idolatry of traditional cultures. traditional cultures. traditional cultures. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. On the other hand, if you go on out and On the other hand, if you go on out and On the other hand, if you go on out and you have sex without commitment, without you have sex without commitment, without you have sex without commitment, without marriage, you just go out and have sex marriage, you just go out and have sex marriage, you just go out and have sex because you want to be fulfilled, you're because you want to be fulfilled, you're because you want to be fulfilled, you're giving in to the idolatry of Western giving in to the idolatry of Western giving in to the idolatry of Western cultures, you know, personal cultures, you know, personal cultures, you know, personal fulfillment. I got to go out there and fulfillment. I got to go out there and fulfillment. I got to go out there and have somebody meet my needs. Okay, stop have somebody meet my needs. Okay, stop have somebody meet my needs. Okay, stop it.

it. it. And what's interesting to me is there And what's interesting to me is there And what's interesting to me is there are a fair number of Christian singles are a fair number of Christian singles are a fair number of Christian singles that somehow seem to be able to pull off that somehow seem to be able to pull off that somehow seem to be able to pull off both idolatries at once, going out and both idolatries at once, going out and both idolatries at once, going out and having sex and hating themselves for not having sex and hating themselves for not having sex and hating themselves for not being married. It's amazing. being married. It's amazing. being married. It's amazing. It's just wonderful. So, you have It's just wonderful. So, you have It's just wonderful. So, you have absolutely the worst of both worlds. absolutely the worst of both worlds. absolutely the worst of both worlds. And and seriously though, you have not And and seriously though, you have not And and seriously though, you have not ha you have not encountered Jesus at the ha you have not encountered Jesus at the ha you have not encountered Jesus at the worldview level. You have not worldview level. You have not worldview level. You have not encountered Jesus at the worldview encountered Jesus at the worldview encountered Jesus at the worldview level. You basically is either still, level. You basically is either still, level. You basically is either still, you know, I'm a Christian. I'm not you know, I'm a Christian. I'm not you know, I'm a Christian. I'm not saying you're not a Christian, but saying you're not a Christian, but saying you're not a Christian, but you're completely conformed to the you're completely conformed to the you're completely conformed to the world. world. world. Either the western world which says I've Either the western world which says I've Either the western world which says I've just got to have fulfillment. I've got just got to have fulfillment. I've got just got to have fulfillment. I've got to have sexual fulfillment. Or I'm not a to have sexual fulfillment. Or I'm not a to have sexual fulfillment. Or I'm not a real person. I got to have somebody real person. I got to have somebody real person. I got to have somebody adoring me like that. or the eastern or adoring me like that. or the eastern or adoring me like that. or the eastern or the traditional approach which says you the traditional approach which says you the traditional approach which says you got to be part of a family or you're got to be part of a family or you're got to be part of a family or you're nothing at all. You're just a freak. You nothing at all. You're just a freak. You nothing at all. You're just a freak. You actually haven't actually let Jesus actually haven't actually let Jesus actually haven't actually let Jesus affect your worldview, the gospel affect affect your worldview, the gospel affect affect your worldview, the gospel affect your worldview and you're not living in your worldview and you're not living in your worldview and you're not living in in you know what this means the family in you know what this means the family in you know what this means the family of God, the church and Jesus and that of God, the church and Jesus and that of God, the church and Jesus and that future future future hope is not enough for you. Well, you hope is not enough for you. Well, you hope is not enough for you. Well, you need to do everything you possibly can need to do everything you possibly can need to do everything you possibly can to make that thing real to yourself in to make that thing real to yourself in to make that thing real to yourself in prayer, through corporate worship, prayer, through corporate worship, prayer, through corporate worship, through the sacraments, all the ways in through the sacraments, all the ways in through the sacraments, all the ways in which the they're called the means of which the they're called the means of which the they're called the means of grace in which Jesus is enough for you.

grace in which Jesus is enough for you. grace in which Jesus is enough for you. The uh here's where I what I'm saying is The uh here's where I what I'm saying is The uh here's where I what I'm saying is dovetailing with Kathy. Um dovetailing with Kathy. Um dovetailing with Kathy. Um the thing that the serpent said in the the thing that the serpent said in the the thing that the serpent said in the garden, do you know what the original garden, do you know what the original garden, do you know what the original lie was? the original thing that got lie was? the original thing that got lie was? the original thing that got everything going all that messed up the everything going all that messed up the everything going all that messed up the whole world because Adam and Eve whole world because Adam and Eve whole world because Adam and Eve believed it and the rest is history believed it and the rest is history believed it and the rest is history and this lie has passed into our hearts. and this lie has passed into our hearts. and this lie has passed into our hearts. I think it's a it's probably one of the I think it's a it's probably one of the I think it's a it's probably one of the most fundamental things about our most fundamental things about our most fundamental things about our nature. nature. nature. Let me paraphrase. I mean what the Let me paraphrase. I mean what the Let me paraphrase. I mean what the serpent said is uh uh you know so we're serpent said is uh uh you know so we're serpent said is uh uh you know so we're not supposed to eat the trees of the not supposed to eat the trees of the not supposed to eat the trees of the garden. You the tree of the garden. He garden. You the tree of the garden. He garden. You the tree of the garden. He says oh you will not surely die. In fact says oh you will not surely die. In fact says oh you will not surely die. In fact your eyes will be open. Here's what he your eyes will be open. Here's what he your eyes will be open. Here's what he was saying. was saying. was saying. the serpent. If you obey God, you'll the serpent. If you obey God, you'll the serpent. If you obey God, you'll never be happy. never be happy. never be happy. You'll miss out. That's the lie. If you You'll miss out. That's the lie. If you You'll miss out. That's the lie. If you thoroughly and completely obey God, you thoroughly and completely obey God, you thoroughly and completely obey God, you will miss out. You will not be happy. will miss out. You will not be happy. will miss out. You will not be happy. That's it.

That's it. That's it. And it's the reason why um actually that And it's the reason why um actually that And it's the reason why um actually that lie distorts marriage, too. But we're lie distorts marriage, too. But we're lie distorts marriage, too. But we're not here to talk about marriage. We're not here to talk about marriage. We're not here to talk about marriage. We're here to talk about singleness. And it's here to talk about singleness. And it's here to talk about singleness. And it's distorting your life. either in a distorting your life. either in a distorting your life. either in a western way or an eastern way. western way or an eastern way. western way or an eastern way. And one of my favorite texts um and I And one of my favorite texts um and I And one of my favorite texts um and I really uh I just thought of it on the really uh I just thought of it on the really uh I just thought of it on the way over, but I'll at least share it. way over, but I'll at least share it. way over, but I'll at least share it. Derek Hidner, who's wrote a commentary Derek Hidner, who's wrote a commentary Derek Hidner, who's wrote a commentary on the Psalms and on Proverbs many many on the Psalms and on Proverbs many many on the Psalms and on Proverbs many many years ago, a little Tinddale commentary, years ago, a little Tinddale commentary, years ago, a little Tinddale commentary, his stuff has meant so much to me, his stuff has meant so much to me, his stuff has meant so much to me, especially when I was a young a young especially when I was a young a young especially when I was a young a young Christian. And in his commentary on Christian. And in his commentary on Christian. And in his commentary on Psalm 81:10, Psalm 81:10, Psalm 81:10, he says something that nobody else says he says something that nobody else says he says something that nobody else says about that verse. I'll tell you what about that verse. I'll tell you what about that verse. I'll tell you what that verse is. It says,"I am the Lord that verse is. It says,"I am the Lord that verse is. It says,"I am the Lord thy God who brought you out of Egypt." thy God who brought you out of Egypt." thy God who brought you out of Egypt." That's the first part of the verse. Now, That's the first part of the verse. Now, That's the first part of the verse. Now, that's exactly how the Ten Commandments that's exactly how the Ten Commandments that's exactly how the Ten Commandments starts. I am the Lord thy God who starts. I am the Lord thy God who starts. I am the Lord thy God who brought you out of Egypt. Thou shalt brought you out of Egypt. Thou shalt brought you out of Egypt. Thou shalt have no other gods before me. That you have no other gods before me. That you have no other gods before me. That you know, you know, down it goes. And uh know, you know, down it goes. And uh know, you know, down it goes. And uh however, in Psalm 81:10, however, in Psalm 81:10, however, in Psalm 81:10, God starts off talking about the fact God starts off talking about the fact God starts off talking about the fact you're in a covenant with me. You're in you're in a covenant with me. You're in you're in a covenant with me. You're in a covenant relationship with me. I am a covenant relationship with me. I am a covenant relationship with me. I am the Lord thy God and I have saved you. I the Lord thy God and I have saved you. I the Lord thy God and I have saved you. I brought you out of Egypt. But this time brought you out of Egypt. But this time brought you out of Egypt. But this time in verse 10, instead of saying here's in verse 10, instead of saying here's in verse 10, instead of saying here's all the things I want you to do, he says all the things I want you to do, he says all the things I want you to do, he says open your mouth and I will fill it.

open your mouth and I will fill it. open your mouth and I will fill it. What Derek Kitner says is these are the What Derek Kitner says is these are the What Derek Kitner says is these are the this just we have to remember this the this just we have to remember this the this just we have to remember this the two sides of the covenant relationship. two sides of the covenant relationship. two sides of the covenant relationship. Yes, of course there's requirements. God Yes, of course there's requirements. God Yes, of course there's requirements. God says you want to be in a covenant says you want to be in a covenant says you want to be in a covenant relationship with me. I want you to live relationship with me. I want you to live relationship with me. I want you to live in this way. But here's the other side. in this way. But here's the other side. in this way. But here's the other side. He says I am not going to hurt you if He says I am not going to hurt you if He says I am not going to hurt you if you obey me. I am not going to make you you obey me. I am not going to make you you obey me. I am not going to make you empty. If you obey me and you come to empty. If you obey me and you come to empty. If you obey me and you come to me, I will fill you. me, I will fill you. me, I will fill you. I will satisfy you. I am enough for you. I will satisfy you. I am enough for you. I will satisfy you. I am enough for you. I would you were built for me. Your joy I would you were built for me. Your joy I would you were built for me. Your joy sensors, your your uh you you might say sensors, your your uh you you might say sensors, your your uh you you might say your spiritual digestive system needs your spiritual digestive system needs your spiritual digestive system needs me. That's what it needs. And so, please me. That's what it needs. And so, please me. That's what it needs. And so, please don't believe that lie. If you obey me, don't believe that lie. If you obey me, don't believe that lie. If you obey me, you'll miss out. you'll miss out. you'll miss out. No, I am the Lord thy God. Obey me and I No, I am the Lord thy God. Obey me and I No, I am the Lord thy God. Obey me and I will fill you. Now, here's four uh since will fill you. Now, here's four uh since will fill you. Now, here's four uh since I have four minutes left, I wouldn't I have four minutes left, I wouldn't I have four minutes left, I wouldn't want to waste them. Um I'm a New Yorker, want to waste them. Um I'm a New Yorker, want to waste them. Um I'm a New Yorker, so uh here here's four implications.

so uh here here's four implications. so uh here here's four implications. They're kind of brief, but they're kind They're kind of brief, but they're kind They're kind of brief, but they're kind of interesting. Um, you might want to go of interesting. Um, you might want to go of interesting. Um, you might want to go find find find uh something that Wes Hill did on the uh something that Wes Hill did on the uh something that Wes Hill did on the First Things blog recently in which he First Things blog recently in which he First Things blog recently in which he got out a um a letter from CS Lewis to a got out a um a letter from CS Lewis to a got out a um a letter from CS Lewis to a friend in 1956 on the subject of friend in 1956 on the subject of friend in 1956 on the subject of masturbation which I had forgotten masturbation which I had forgotten masturbation which I had forgotten completely about and that he uh joged my completely about and that he uh joged my completely about and that he uh joged my memory about and the um uh and he does memory about and the um uh and he does memory about and the um uh and he does some uh some thoughts on it for a single some uh some thoughts on it for a single some uh some thoughts on it for a single person. But here's what's here here's person. But here's what's here here's person. But here's what's here here's what it says. Listen, this is what what what it says. Listen, this is what what what it says. Listen, this is what what CS Lewis says about the problem of CS Lewis says about the problem of CS Lewis says about the problem of masturbation. You know, we never use the masturbation. You know, we never use the masturbation. You know, we never use the word masturbation. We now use the word word masturbation. We now use the word word masturbation. We now use the word pornography. And it's partly because, pornography. And it's partly because, pornography. And it's partly because, you know, pornography means masturbation you know, pornography means masturbation you know, pornography means masturbation and fantasy, but usually with something and fantasy, but usually with something and fantasy, but usually with something graphic in front of you. Uh I think graphic in front of you. Uh I think graphic in front of you. Uh I think because he was living in 1956, uh when because he was living in 1956, uh when because he was living in 1956, uh when pornography wasn't nearly as available, pornography wasn't nearly as available, pornography wasn't nearly as available, he used the word masturbation. But uh he used the word masturbation. But uh he used the word masturbation. But uh here's what Lewis says to this friend here's what Lewis says to this friend here's what Lewis says to this friend about it. He says, "For me, the real about it. He says, "For me, the real about it. He says, "For me, the real evil of masturbation would be that it evil of masturbation would be that it evil of masturbation would be that it takes an appetite, takes an appetite, takes an appetite, sexual appetite, sexual appetite, sexual appetite, which in lawful use leads the individual which in lawful use leads the individual which in lawful use leads the individual out of himself to complete and correct out of himself to complete and correct out of himself to complete and correct his own personality and that of another and turns it back, sends the man back and turns it back, sends the man back into the prison of himself, there to into the prison of himself, there to into the prison of himself, there to keep a harum of imaginary brides. And keep a harum of imaginary brides. And keep a harum of imaginary brides. And this harum, once admitted, works against this harum, once admitted, works against this harum, once admitted, works against his ever getting out and really uniting his ever getting out and really uniting his ever getting out and really uniting with the real woman. For the haram is with the real woman. For the haram is with the real woman. For the haram is always accessible, always subservient, always accessible, always subservient, always accessible, always subservient, calls for no sacrifices or adjustments,

calls for no sacrifices or adjustments, calls for no sacrifices or adjustments, and can be endowed with erotic and and can be endowed with erotic and and can be endowed with erotic and psychological attractions which no real psychological attractions which no real psychological attractions which no real woman could ever rival. Among those woman could ever rival. Among those woman could ever rival. Among those shadowy brides, he is always adored, shadowy brides, he is always adored, shadowy brides, he is always adored, always the perfect lover. No demand is always the perfect lover. No demand is always the perfect lover. No demand is made on his unselfishness, no made on his unselfishness, no made on his unselfishness, no mortification ever imposed on his mortification ever imposed on his mortification ever imposed on his vanity. In the end, they become merely vanity. In the end, they become merely vanity. In the end, they become merely the medium through which he increasingly the medium through which he increasingly the medium through which he increasingly adores himself. And it is not only the adores himself. And it is not only the adores himself. And it is not only the faculty of love which is thus thus faculty of love which is thus thus faculty of love which is thus thus sterilized forced back on itself. It's sterilized forced back on itself. It's sterilized forced back on itself. It's also the faculty of imagination. Now he also the faculty of imagination. Now he also the faculty of imagination. Now he says the purpose of sex which obviously says the purpose of sex which obviously says the purpose of sex which obviously is for marriage is to lead the is for marriage is to lead the is for marriage is to lead the individual out of himself to complete individual out of himself to complete individual out of himself to complete and correct his own personality and that and correct his own personality and that and correct his own personality and that of another. That's the reason why we of another. That's the reason why we of another. That's the reason why we always say sex is only for marriage always say sex is only for marriage always say sex is only for marriage because only when you're giving yourself because only when you're giving yourself because only when you're giving yourself physically to someone who you have given physically to someone who you have given physically to someone who you have given yourself to in every other way does sex yourself to in every other way does sex yourself to in every other way does sex become a way for you to correct your become a way for you to correct your become a way for you to correct your personality and your self-centerness. personality and your self-centerness. personality and your self-centerness. It makes you unite with somebody who's It makes you unite with somebody who's It makes you unite with somebody who's different than you and who you're different than you and who you're different than you and who you're constantly having to clash with over constantly having to clash with over constantly having to clash with over each other's self-centernesses and each other's self-centernesses and each other's self-centernesses and you're becoming a more and more like a you're becoming a more and more like a you're becoming a more and more like a loving person. You're becoming a person loving person. You're becoming a person loving person. You're becoming a person who's not so self-centered and so who's not so self-centered and so who's not so self-centered and so self-absorbed. You're really becoming self-absorbed. You're really becoming self-absorbed. You're really becoming Christlike. Sex can help you with that, Christlike. Sex can help you with that, Christlike. Sex can help you with that, but not not only it doesn't work if but not not only it doesn't work if but not not only it doesn't work if you're doing it outside of marriage, but you're doing it outside of marriage, but you're doing it outside of marriage, but it certainly doesn't work if you're it certainly doesn't work if you're it certainly doesn't work if you're having it by yourself.

having it by yourself. having it by yourself. So, don't do it. It it ruins you not So, don't do it. It it ruins you not So, don't do it. It it ruins you not only for marriage but for friendship only for marriage but for friendship only for marriage but for friendship because it creates the habits of mind because it creates the habits of mind because it creates the habits of mind that are basically I living in a world that are basically I living in a world that are basically I living in a world in which I have it all my way and that's in which I have it all my way and that's in which I have it all my way and that's the opposite of what you need. That is the opposite of what you need. That is the opposite of what you need. That is the opposite of what you need. That's the opposite of what you need. That's the opposite of what you need. That's point one. Point two, point one. Point two, point one. Point two, it would be wonderful if Redeemer was it would be wonderful if Redeemer was it would be wonderful if Redeemer was the kind of place the kind of place the kind of place where because of this view of singleness where because of this view of singleness where because of this view of singleness and marriage, you weren't so and marriage, you weren't so and marriage, you weren't so unbelievably picky unbelievably picky unbelievably picky about the about the looks and the about the about the looks and the about the about the looks and the financial well-being of your prospective financial well-being of your prospective financial well-being of your prospective marriage partners. marriage partners. marriage partners. Everything I've said, I hope shows that Everything I've said, I hope shows that Everything I've said, I hope shows that mitigates against that being being the mitigates against that being being the mitigates against that being being the most important thing. You know, John most important thing. You know, John most important thing. You know, John Tierney for some years wrote a little Tierney for some years wrote a little Tierney for some years wrote a little article called Picky Picky Piggy. Have article called Picky Picky Piggy. Have article called Picky Picky Piggy. Have you ever seen that? And he talks he you ever seen that? And he talks he you ever seen that? And he talks he says, you know, a lot of his friends, says, you know, a lot of his friends, says, you know, a lot of his friends, you know, he he says say, "Well, I'm you know, he he says say, "Well, I'm you know, he he says say, "Well, I'm going to get married, but I then he going to get married, but I then he going to get married, but I then he describes the person he's looking for." describes the person he's looking for." describes the person he's looking for." And he says, roughly speaking, it's And he says, roughly speaking, it's And he says, roughly speaking, it's something like this. The guy, he said, something like this. The guy, he said, something like this. The guy, he said, my most of my guy friends say, "I'm my most of my guy friends say, "I'm my most of my guy friends say, "I'm looking for somebody a PhD looking for somebody a PhD looking for somebody a PhD with uh who used to be an astronaut with with uh who used to be an astronaut with with uh who used to be an astronaut with a background in fashion modeling."

a background in fashion modeling." a background in fashion modeling." And uh basically he says in other words And uh basically he says in other words And uh basically he says in other words you don't want to get married you don't want to get married you don't want to get married but you know here's what's so funny you but you know here's what's so funny you but you know here's what's so funny you we say we're don't tell me well since I we say we're don't tell me well since I we say we're don't tell me well since I am actually being celibate I am living am actually being celibate I am living am actually being celibate I am living the single life of a Christian single the single life of a Christian single the single life of a Christian single life. Not if you look at people who life. Not if you look at people who life. Not if you look at people who might be spouses and you rule them out might be spouses and you rule them out might be spouses and you rule them out because they're not perfectly thin or because they're not perfectly thin or because they're not perfectly thin or they're not beautiful or they're not they're not beautiful or they're not they're not beautiful or they're not good-looking or they don't have a good-looking or they don't have a good-looking or they don't have a wonderful wonderful wonderful salary. If you're doing that, you're salary. If you're doing that, you're salary. If you're doing that, you're actually just as into the idolatries of actually just as into the idolatries of actually just as into the idolatries of the world and you're not really the world and you're not really the world and you're not really understanding the meaning of marriage. understanding the meaning of marriage. understanding the meaning of marriage. Anyway, thirdly, let me just suggest Anyway, thirdly, let me just suggest Anyway, thirdly, let me just suggest what is thirdly. Nah, only I said I was what is thirdly. Nah, only I said I was what is thirdly. Nah, only I said I was going to do three. Times up. I can only going to do three. Times up. I can only going to do three. Times up. I can only do one more. Get community input when do one more. Get community input when do one more. Get community input when you seek for spouses, when you seek for you seek for spouses, when you seek for you seek for spouses, when you seek for partners. See, we are the family. partners. See, we are the family. partners. See, we are the family. We are a family. We're not just a bunch We are a family. We're not just a bunch We are a family. We're not just a bunch of individuals who come for a show.

of individuals who come for a show. of individuals who come for a show. We're supposed to be brothers and We're supposed to be brothers and We're supposed to be brothers and sisters, fathers and mothers, sons and sisters, fathers and mothers, sons and sisters, fathers and mothers, sons and daughters of each other. And what that daughters of each other. And what that daughters of each other. And what that means is don't go trying to select your means is don't go trying to select your means is don't go trying to select your partners and the people you date and the partners and the people you date and the partners and the people you date and the people that you're thinking about people that you're thinking about people that you're thinking about getting married without lots and lots of getting married without lots and lots of getting married without lots and lots of input from the family. It'll help uh input from the family. It'll help uh input from the family. It'll help uh practice being in a family. That's what practice being in a family. That's what practice being in a family. That's what it means to be single. See married it means to be single. See married it means to be single. See married people the this is the ultimate family people the this is the ultimate family people the this is the ultimate family right here. I have God's been blessed me right here. I have God's been blessed me right here. I have God's been blessed me in my marriage and with my children. The in my marriage and with my children. The in my marriage and with my children. The fact is that I'm just a subgrouping of fact is that I'm just a subgrouping of fact is that I'm just a subgrouping of this family. this family. this family. this particular family, which is the the this particular family, which is the the this particular family, which is the the the the body of Christ. And you're the the body of Christ. And you're the the body of Christ. And you're already in it. If you're single, you're already in it. If you're single, you're already in it. If you're single, you're already in it. If you get married, already in it. If you get married, already in it. If you get married, you're already in the ultimate family. you're already in the ultimate family. you're already in the ultimate family. So act like you're in the ultimate So act like you're in the ultimate So act like you're in the ultimate family.