Finding the Light in Addiction | Josh's Story

my brother, my older brother died. my brother, my older brother died. He was 17, I [music] was 13. And then He was 17, I [music] was 13. And then He was 17, I [music] was 13. And then that's when my understanding of God that that's when my understanding of God that that's when my understanding of God that there was no God or if there was a God, there was no God or if there was a God, there was no God or if there was a God, he was just not to be trusted. When he was just not to be trusted. When he was just not to be trusted. When [music] I was making music, I didn't [music] I was making music, I didn't [music] I was making music, I didn't think as much. I didn't like spending think as much. I didn't like spending think as much. I didn't like spending time with myself. People around me who time with myself. People around me who time with myself. People around me who love me are like, "Think you're drinking love me are like, "Think you're drinking love me are like, "Think you're drinking [music] too much." And then I would just [music] too much." And then I would just [music] too much." And then I would just kind of avoid those people. And at this kind of avoid those people. And at this kind of avoid those people. And at this point, the [music] more I was drinking, point, the [music] more I was drinking, point, the [music] more I was drinking, the less I had to keep quieting any the less I had to keep quieting any the less I had to keep quieting any thought of God, any thought of a moral thought of God, any thought of a moral thought of God, any thought of a moral compass. And I hated thinking about my compass. And I hated thinking about my compass. And I hated thinking about my behavior. I was consumed with darkness. behavior. I was consumed with darkness. behavior. I was consumed with darkness. And then I met my [music] And then I met my [music] And then I met my [music] current wife. I was sober almost a year current wife. I was sober almost a year current wife. I was sober almost a year when I met her. And that was [music] when I met her. And that was [music] when I met her. And that was [music] like the first time I started to feel like the first time I started to feel like the first time I started to feel somewhat hopeful and happy. Guy I used somewhat hopeful and happy. Guy I used somewhat hopeful and happy. Guy I used to tour [music] with calls me. My wife to tour [music] with calls me. My wife to tour [music] with calls me. My wife was like, "He said that touring and was like, "He said that touring and was like, "He said that touring and traveling was a struggle." I'm like, traveling was a struggle." I'm like, traveling was a struggle." I'm like, "It's perfectly fine. I'm good." But as "It's perfectly fine. I'm good." But as "It's perfectly fine. I'm good." But as soon as they sent me my flight details, soon as they sent me my flight details, soon as they sent me my flight details, I started plotting. I can drink as long I started plotting. I can drink as long I started plotting. I can drink as long as I'm not around her. I can drink as as I'm not around her. I can drink as as I'm not around her. I can drink as long as I'm not I can't hurt people if long as I'm not I can't hurt people if long as I'm not I can't hurt people if I'm [music] not drinking in front of I'm [music] not drinking in front of I'm [music] not drinking in front of them.

them. them. That led to a full-blown That led to a full-blown That led to a full-blown [music] um relapse [music] um relapse [music] um relapse to where my wife for the very [music] to where my wife for the very [music] to where my wife for the very [music] first time saw me drinking. It's like first time saw me drinking. It's like first time saw me drinking. It's like she finally got to see that part of me she finally got to see that part of me she finally got to see that part of me that I'd been hiding. She's like, "Okay, that I'd been hiding. She's like, "Okay, that I'd been hiding. She's like, "Okay, I [music] don't want you intoxicated I [music] don't want you intoxicated I [music] don't want you intoxicated around the kids." That was the day that around the kids." That was the day that around the kids." That was the day that I took my work [music] knife and cut my I took my work [music] knife and cut my I took my work [music] knife and cut my wrist. wrist. wrist. So when I got back from the hospital, it So when I got back from the hospital, it So when I got back from the hospital, it was like, "You have assault [music] was like, "You have assault [music] was like, "You have assault [music] charges on police. It's a felony." And charges on police. It's a felony." And charges on police. It's a felony." And I'm like, "What? Felonies are for like I'm like, "What? Felonies are for like I'm like, "What? Felonies are for like bad people." I found out that [music] bad people." I found out that [music] bad people." I found out that [music] charges were filed against me for charges were filed against me for charges were filed against me for assaulting police as they were putting assaulting police as they were putting assaulting police as they were putting as the firefighters were putting a as the firefighters were putting a as the firefighters were putting a tourniquet on my arm. I wasn't even tourniquet on my arm. I wasn't even tourniquet on my arm. I wasn't even happy. I woke up. happy. I woke up. happy. I woke up. I woke up and immediately just started I woke up and immediately just started I woke up and immediately just started thinking [music] about how ashamed I thinking [music] about how ashamed I thinking [music] about how ashamed I was, but fantasized about I just need to was, but fantasized about I just need to was, but fantasized about I just need to get into a place where I could go get into a place where I could go get into a place where I could go [music] back to drinking inside of a [music] back to drinking inside of a [music] back to drinking inside of a hotel room by myself. It'll all be fine.

hotel room by myself. It'll all be fine. hotel room by myself. It'll all be fine. My [music] wife was like, "You have to My [music] wife was like, "You have to My [music] wife was like, "You have to go into a rehab. If you don't go into a go into a rehab. If you don't go into a go into a rehab. If you don't go into a rehab, we just can't. This can't be. rehab, we just can't. This can't be. rehab, we just can't. This can't be. [music] You're killing yourself." I was [music] You're killing yourself." I was [music] You're killing yourself." I was supposed to go into treatment on March supposed to go into treatment on March supposed to go into treatment on March 8th. So March 7th, I came home and was 8th. So March 7th, I came home and was 8th. So March 7th, I came home and was like, [music] I'm just going to have one like, [music] I'm just going to have one like, [music] I'm just going to have one last hurrah of drinking. I blacked out last hurrah of drinking. I blacked out last hurrah of drinking. I blacked out and then I woke [music] up in jail and then I woke [music] up in jail and then I woke [music] up in jail again. I was pissed cuz I'm supposed to again. I was pissed cuz I'm supposed to again. I was pissed cuz I'm supposed to be rehab. be rehab. be rehab. Now I have another disorderly conduct. Now I have another disorderly conduct. Now I have another disorderly conduct. And then they told me that I had [music] And then they told me that I had [music] And then they told me that I had [music] assaulted my wife. And that And that that was like the that was like the that was like the I didn't care if I hurted hurt myself. [music] I didn't care if I died, [music] I didn't care if I died, but to know that I hurt her. So I was in jail, So I was in jail, plead guilty [music] to domestic plead guilty [music] to domestic plead guilty [music] to domestic violence. violence. violence. They put me in another drug and alcohol They put me in another drug and alcohol They put me in another drug and alcohol program. [music] program. [music] program. [music] During that time I was in that program, During that time I was in that program, During that time I was in that program, I went to trial for the assault on I went to trial for the assault on I went to trial for the assault on police. So then they sent me to prison.

police. So then they sent me to prison. police. So then they sent me to prison. The time in jail into prison, I started The time in jail into prison, I started The time in jail into prison, I started reading the Bible for [music] the first reading the Bible for [music] the first reading the Bible for [music] the first time. I wasn't reading for any other time. I wasn't reading for any other time. I wasn't reading for any other reason other than to know him. Why did reason other than to know him. Why did reason other than to know him. Why did you make me you make me you make me if all I was going to do is become if all I was going to do is become if all I was going to do is become nothing? I started listening nothing? I started listening nothing? I started listening and I started hearing and I started hearing and I started hearing God [music] speak to me and I wasn't God [music] speak to me and I wasn't God [music] speak to me and I wasn't afraid. I still had shame, [music] but I afraid. I still had shame, [music] but I afraid. I still had shame, [music] but I didn't feel shamed by him. And I had didn't feel shamed by him. And I had didn't feel shamed by him. And I had peace [music] for the first time since I peace [music] for the first time since I peace [music] for the first time since I was a kid. was a kid. was a kid. I left prison, went to a halfway house, I left prison, went to a halfway house, I left prison, went to a halfway house, which is way worse in prison. Uh we were which is way worse in prison. Uh we were which is way worse in prison. Uh we were all out back and this guy walked up and all out back and this guy walked up and all out back and this guy walked up and came up and a water bottle full of came up and a water bottle full of came up and a water bottle full of vodka. He was like, "Here, bro. You want vodka. He was like, "Here, bro. You want vodka. He was like, "Here, bro. You want a drink?" And I said, "No, I'm good." a drink?" And I said, "No, I'm good." a drink?" And I said, "No, I'm good." Even though I want my whole body was Even though I want my whole body was Even though I want my whole body was like, "This is yours." [music] like, "This is yours." [music] like, "This is yours." [music] I was like, "No, I'm good." And then I I was like, "No, I'm good." And then I I was like, "No, I'm good." And then I went to bed and I woke up the next day.

went to bed and I woke up the next day. went to bed and I woke up the next day. The self-sabotage voice was gone. the The self-sabotage voice was gone. the The self-sabotage voice was gone. the voice of but look what you've done. Look voice of but look what you've done. Look voice of but look what you've done. Look at all the [music] destruction that at all the [music] destruction that at all the [music] destruction that you've created your entire is gone. I you've created your entire is gone. I you've created your entire is gone. I trusted trusted trusted him just by refusing what my body wanted him just by refusing what my body wanted him just by refusing what my body wanted and [music] my marriage has been healed and [music] my marriage has been healed and [music] my marriage has been healed from that time. I have peace because I'm from that time. I have peace because I'm from that time. I have peace because I'm not fighting anymore. And it's great. I not fighting anymore. And it's great. I not fighting anymore. And it's great. I love waking up every day. [music] I love love waking up every day. [music] I love love waking up every day. [music] I love going to sleep every day and I no longer going to sleep every day and I no longer going to sleep every day and I no longer have an obsession. My obsession is just have an obsession. My obsession is just have an obsession. My obsession is just looking around me and realizing what God looking around me and realizing what God looking around me and realizing what God has blessed me with. I do sound at has blessed me with. I do sound at has blessed me with. I do sound at Eastside [music] Crossroads. That Eastside [music] Crossroads. That Eastside [music] Crossroads. That passion, my love for sound that I had passion, my love for sound that I had passion, my love for sound that I had came back to life. Now I get [music] to came back to life. Now I get [music] to came back to life. Now I get [music] to do what I've always loved. do what I've always loved. do what I've always loved. There was darkness, but now [music] There was darkness, but now [music] There was darkness, but now [music] there's light.