I Almost Let Gambling Destroy Me | Finding Hope in Addiction

This was my escape, man. This was I This was my escape, man. This was I mean, the casino is where mean, the casino is where mean, the casino is where I lived just two blocks away and was I lived just two blocks away and was I lived just two blocks away and was able to able to able to you know, come here as I wanted to and you know, come here as I wanted to and you know, come here as I wanted to and from from from work sometimes. I'd leave work early a work sometimes. I'd leave work early a work sometimes. I'd leave work early a few hours, come here, and then easily few hours, come here, and then easily few hours, come here, and then easily just jump on home afterwards. just jump on home afterwards. just jump on home afterwards. But, you don't really realize that you But, you don't really realize that you But, you don't really realize that you have a problem or that it's that it's have a problem or that it's that it's have a problem or that it's that it's that uh that uh that uh bad. Um >> I've always been compulsive. >> I've always been compulsive. Even from a young age, I had [music] a I Even from a young age, I had [music] a I Even from a young age, I had [music] a I struggled with pornography. Um struggled with pornography. Um struggled with pornography. Um like very young. And I would just like very young. And I would just like very young. And I would just compulsively [music] compulsively [music] compulsively [music] like eat. I knew it was wrong, and it like eat. I knew it was wrong, and it like eat. I knew it was wrong, and it was actually something probably really was actually something probably really was actually something probably really destroying me. [music] destroying me. [music] destroying me. [music] Um Um Um but I couldn't but I couldn't but I couldn't stop.

stop. stop. And that led so much [music] to like so And that led so much [music] to like so And that led so much [music] to like so much self-hatred. much self-hatred. much self-hatred. I had major I had major I had major example of [music] rejection in my life example of [music] rejection in my life example of [music] rejection in my life of people that really cared for me, and of people that really cared for me, and of people that really cared for me, and I was scared of that for most of my life I was scared of that for most of my life I was scared of that for most of my life after that that I didn't want to be after that that I didn't want to be after that that I didn't want to be vulnerable. vulnerable. vulnerable. >> [music] >> [music] >> [music] >> Gambling was kind of a culture thing >> Gambling was kind of a culture thing >> Gambling was kind of a culture thing within my family. Like aunts and uncles within my family. Like aunts and uncles within my family. Like aunts and uncles would go to the casino and have fun. We would go to the casino and have fun. We would go to the casino and have fun. We would play have poker nights. Ended up would play have poker nights. Ended up would play have poker nights. Ended up moving [music] close to the casino in moving [music] close to the casino in moving [music] close to the casino in Cincinnati. Eventually became a place Cincinnati. Eventually became a place Cincinnati. Eventually became a place that I went to [music] that I went to [music] that I went to [music] a lot, and a lot, and a lot, and I didn't tell I didn't tell I didn't tell anyone. anyone. anyone. I wanted [music] to skirt away from a I wanted [music] to skirt away from a I wanted [music] to skirt away from a responsibility responsibility responsibility and put everything on the turn of a and put everything on the turn of a and put everything on the turn of a card. I like was basically [music] card. I like was basically [music] card. I like was basically [music] playing playing playing in a way that I was well over my means. in a way that I was well over my means. in a way that I was well over my means. I did that for a long time before I did that for a long time before I did that for a long time before getting caught. [music] getting caught. [music] getting caught. [music] It's really hard to look back and think It's really hard to look back and think It's really hard to look back and think like what was a real and what wasn't cuz like what was a real and what wasn't cuz like what was a real and what wasn't cuz I was lying [music] I was lying [music] I was lying [music] to every in myself. But from what I can to every in myself. But from what I can to every in myself. But from what I can kind of gather at the ATM at [music] the kind of gather at the ATM at [music] the kind of gather at the ATM at [music] the casino when I had ran out of money and I casino when I had ran out of money and I casino when I had ran out of money and I went to go get more, I fat-fingered went to go get more, I fat-fingered went to go get more, I fat-fingered [music] it and I hit checking instead of [music] it and I hit checking instead of [music] it and I hit checking instead of savings. It was a couple days later that savings. It was a couple days later that savings. It was a couple days later that um um um my wife [music] my wife [music] my wife [music] said, "Hey, what what's this withdrawal said, "Hey, what what's this withdrawal said, "Hey, what what's this withdrawal in the [music] bank account?" And I in in the [music] bank account?" And I in in the [music] bank account?" And I in the moment I felt so panicked. So I came the moment I felt so panicked. So I came the moment I felt so panicked. So I came up with this lie of like, "Oh, I bought up with this lie of like, "Oh, I bought up with this lie of like, "Oh, I bought a new golf [music] club." And she she a new golf [music] club." And she she a new golf [music] club." And she she just kind of said, "I think [music]

just kind of said, "I think [music] just kind of said, "I think [music] maybe you need to look at maybe you need to look at maybe you need to look at what you're trying to accomplish what you're trying to accomplish what you're trying to accomplish through [music] something like that." through [music] something like that." through [music] something like that." And it ultimately she was kind of And it ultimately she was kind of And it ultimately she was kind of saying, "You're compulsive." saying, "You're compulsive." saying, "You're compulsive." My therapist kind of shared with me, you My therapist kind of shared with me, you My therapist kind of shared with me, you need to you need to figure out what need to you need to figure out what need to you need to figure out what >> [music] >> [music] >> [music] >> is compelling you to do these things. >> is compelling you to do these things. >> is compelling you to do these things. What are you feeling in the moment? What What are you feeling in the moment? What What are you feeling in the moment? What are you going to do about it? And I was are you going to do about it? And I was are you going to do about it? And I was able to abstain from gambling [music] able to abstain from gambling [music] able to abstain from gambling [music] for almost a year and a half. for almost a year and a half. for almost a year and a half. And that was like daily check-ins with And that was like daily check-ins with And that was like daily check-ins with people. [music] And it was really people. [music] And it was really people. [music] And it was really important that I asked them and show important that I asked them and show important that I asked them and show them my whole self. I remember saying to them my whole self. I remember saying to them my whole self. I remember saying to all of them, "For the first [music] time all of them, "For the first [music] time all of them, "For the first [music] time in my life, I feel fully known." in my life, I feel fully known." in my life, I feel fully known." And like I don't have [music] anything And like I don't have [music] anything And like I don't have [music] anything hidden and it felt amazing. hidden and it felt amazing. hidden and it felt amazing. Um Ultimately, I relapsed. Ultimately, I relapsed. I got found out [music] again by my I got found out [music] again by my I got found out [music] again by my wife. wife. wife. Um Um Um It was devastating. Um My wife ultimately gave me an ultimatum.

My wife ultimately gave me an ultimatum. There were a few things, but one of them There were a few things, but one of them There were a few things, but one of them was you have to go to a Gamblers was you have to go to a Gamblers was you have to go to a Gamblers Anonymous meeting. Anonymous meeting. Anonymous meeting. It's easy to look back and think God was It's easy to look back and think God was It's easy to look back and think God was [music] silent. I know he wasn't. Um [music] silent. I know he wasn't. Um [music] silent. I know he wasn't. Um I just ignore I ignored him a lot. I I just ignore I ignored him a lot. I I just ignore I ignored him a lot. I know the road that I was on was leading know the road that I was on was leading know the road that I was on was leading to destruction and it almost did. to destruction and it almost did. to destruction and it almost did. Because [music] Because [music] Because [music] when I relapsed when I relapsed when I relapsed 100% I [music] there was no other 100% I [music] there was no other 100% I [music] there was no other alternative I thought for sure alternative I thought for sure alternative I thought for sure the best thing for your family right now the best thing for your family right now the best thing for your family right now is life insurance. is life insurance. is life insurance. >> [music] >> [music] >> [music] >> The the worst thing I could have done >> The the worst thing I could have done >> The the worst thing I could have done for my kids is hurt myself or take any take their is hurt myself or take any take their dad. dad. dad. But at the time [music] I'm so steeped But at the time [music] I'm so steeped But at the time [music] I'm so steeped in shame and self-loathing in shame and self-loathing in shame and self-loathing I have hope now because I have hope now because I have hope now because >> [music] >> [music] >> [music] >> because I am making the character >> because I am making the character >> because I am making the character changes that have come from my suffering changes that have come from my suffering changes that have come from my suffering and perseverance. [music] and perseverance. [music] and perseverance. [music] One of the things for Gamblers Anonymous One of the things for Gamblers Anonymous One of the things for Gamblers Anonymous is is is the paying back of our debts. I'm the paying back of our debts. I'm the paying back of our debts. I'm driving ride share on the weekends and driving ride share on the weekends and driving ride share on the weekends and I'm doing this now [music] so that in 5 I'm doing this now [music] so that in 5 I'm doing this now [music] so that in 5 to 7 years from now to 7 years from now to 7 years from now I can look back and say I can look back and say I can look back and say I don't have I don't have I don't have anything attached [music] to my anything attached [music] to my anything attached [music] to my previous life. Previously I don't think previous life. Previously I don't think previous life. Previously I don't think I actually believe that God would accept I actually believe that God would accept I actually believe that God would accept me for who I am. Now I believe the me for who I am. Now I believe the me for who I am. Now I believe the things [music] God's God says things [music] God's God says things [music] God's God says I'm chosen, worthy I'm chosen, worthy I'm chosen, worthy accepted.

accepted. accepted. Worth dying for. Worth dying for. Worth dying for. You [music] know what I don't have is a You [music] know what I don't have is a You [music] know what I don't have is a date for when I stopped my self-hatred. date for when I stopped my self-hatred. date for when I stopped my self-hatred. >> [music] >> [music] >> [music] >> And I really wish >> And I really wish >> And I really wish I did in a way. Um I did in a way. Um I did in a way. Um but maybe that's a I don't know maybe but maybe that's a I don't know maybe but maybe that's a I don't know maybe that's a beautiful thing that's a beautiful thing that's a beautiful thing that that that I can just sit confidently now and know I can just sit confidently now and know I can just sit confidently now and know like I like [music] me.